Spending More Time With My Loved Ones
From Elon Musk, Deadbeat CEO
After much soul-searching, meditating, and freebasing pure, unfiltered ketamine, I’ve decided to take a bold, unprecedented step in my personal journey:
For months, I’ve been laser-focused on my job of hacking and slashing the federal government in between my usual routine of retweeting fascist posts on X. Although most of my work has been sending threatening emails, firing people, hiring them back, firing everyone then firing no one, and saluting like it’s 1939.
And I know I have been hanging out with the Big Balls and the Musk crew too much, having sleepovers in the mostly abandoned IRS building and partying all night at what is left of the Social Security offices. I am aware that they have been a bad influence on me and my desperate need for anyone to like me. They call me the DOGEfather though, isn’t that cool? I’m so cool. Right? So cool.
But even as I chased that elusive evidence of federal fraud, waste, and abuse, there was a quiet whisper in the back of my mind… mostly from child support lawsuits, but also from my emerald-shaped heart. Most importantly, I was able to install enough cybersecurity backdoors into federal systems to steal any important data of citizens and employees who are involved in litigation against my companies. I was wrong to think that would satisfy me, though.
I now realize that share price is the most precious commodity, and I intend to inflate it meaningfully with the very people I’ve failed to acknowledge most lately: the shareholders. They are my true family. My only family that I am aware of anyway.
I remember the good days we had together, when we use to play “catch the government subsidy” in the backyard, rolled out inferior products, and voted to increase our executive bonuses. I want to be present again for the little things. Quarterly shareholder meetings, earnings calls, tax evasion schemes. I want to relearn the names of my board members like Robyn, James, Ira, and Hiromichi. Such odd names. Not an epsilon or ampersand anywhere in them. Still though, I want to see them grow up and get richer.
This is about healing. Growth. Saving face. And yes, okay, sales dropped 71% last quarter and I was told I need to demonstrate “active CEO effort” too. I don’t want to lose them for good, because so much of my net worth is tied with the share price. That sweet, wonderful share price.
To those who’ve supported me over the months from the far-right: thank you and Heil. Now, my time is once again dedicated to my rich, corporate shareholders. Nothing is going to stand between me and them anymore. Not my government job, not my teenage friends, and especially not my actual children.
Awesome Sauce,
Elon
Hello readers. If you made it this far and want to read a bit more, I have a new piece in Chortle today. Check it out!